Talking to kids about sex and drugs is on a par with discussing your parent’s sex life with them over family  dinner!
“ Holy cow, not me, I don’t want to go there, that’s creepy”. I’ve heard all of the preceding comments in relationship to discussing sex and drugs with teens.
With my youngest now 28 it’s a case of looking back. They were all out of the house, at least as far as university, before the ordinariness of e mail, cell phones, texting and social network sites so I had a somewhat different set of issues to worry about and, on one level, nowhere near as much access into my kid’s lives as the parent today who can insist on being a FaceBook friend of their teenager. On the other hand, perhaps I had more access. The phone was in the kitchen and although a hand might be cupped around the receiver and back turned to me, I’d developed “mother ears” years ago and was an adept eavesdropper! Same went for “mother eyes”, my kids really were convinced I could see through walls.
I was a single mom through their most formative years so “the talk” to my boys came from me. And it was straight from the hip. No euphemisms and no coyness. They reacted in the same way. “Gees, thanks mom, we covered that in hygiene/science” and, I don’t doubt, in the back of the school bus!
I know they smoked pot. I faced them with that and essentially said “not if you want me to pay college tuition”. I had a two strikes and you are out rule and both boys pushed the limit but never crossed that final line. And I looked for clues! It was a one strike rule for drinking and driving with no appeal process.
When I had cause for unease or something in that mother gene was pinging me, I faced them head on with my concerns and they were open in responding. We lived way out in the boonies for a while so our place was the weekend gathering spot for house parties. You get to know your kid’s friends well when they appear bleary eyed in the kitchen early morning lured by the smell of bacon cooking. I also made clear that any friend was welcome just so long as they looked me in the eye and shook my hand - none of this coming into my house and skulking to a locked bedroom. We always had a family dinner and discussion was encouraged – in fact trying to get a word in was more often or not a challenge.
Drug testing kits; snooping on line, reading e mail, text messages, journals, looking in the sock drawer for clues. My gut reaction as a parent is it shouldn’t have to come to that but if all else fails, go for it. You could save a life.
You’ll note no mention of my daughter – she was perfect! Not really. She developed anorexia in her mid teens and that too was a touchy subject; one that we eventually faced head on but in some ways was more difficult than talking to the boys about pot. Gerry
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When it comes to my children, touchy as the topics were, we discussed them. I remember my son just wanted to crawl under the kitchen table rather than having the discussion about sex or drugs and alcohol, but he sat there, listened and participated. Both girls also. I felt very strongly that there could be no grey area with these topics. They needed to understand both their father’s and my stand on each issue. No drugs, no alcohol and no sex.
It is about teaching them boundaries, accountability and right from wrong. Another lesson I pushed was that they could and would be considered guilty by association. Lets face it, teenagers believe they know it all and can handle any situation. We had a no tolerance rule for drugs and alcohol. With that came a lot of discussion about what they could each do when confronted with the option. They also knew that if they were at a friends house and drugs/alcohol were present they needed to leave, saying no was not enough.
I was very fortunate that each child went through high school without dabbling in any of these things. I had rules in place that made the option much more difficult to do. Like what Gerry said, one strike and he or she was out when it came to drinking/drugs and driving. When coming home for the evening each child was to come give me a kiss hello. They knew that was so I could see their eyes and smell their breath. I understood peer pressure so wanted to make the rules clear. Kids will be kids. All I could do was set what I felt were appropriate boundaries explaining that every home was different so my children had to operate under my rules.
Would I read their journals or emails? I never did. I was fortunate that they never gave me reason to. From what I could tell they were operating within my boundaries so I respected their privacy. If I thought one of them was in serious trouble, you bet I would have read whatever journal I needed, emails etc. (They had access to the internet (no chat rooms were allowed) with the understanding that I was to always know their passwords.
It is a touchy subject. I have had friends that have given more and less freedoms to their children than me. Parenting is not easy. It is wonderful to feel like a friend but at the end of the day being the parent rules. Genny
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