 At our weekly post hike breakfast recently one of the women brought up a new google feature that will prevent the sending of impulsive emails in the early hours of the morning when the sender might be just a little impaired. The program is designed for the younger generation and is in response to the growing number of emails shot off in the wee hours after a night on the town to ex ‘s, and people of romantic interest to the sender. We all know that once you press that send button there’s no trolling the line in and recovering the missive. When you get six lively women around a table and four of them single, there’s no telling where the conversation will range.
We told of embarrassing ‘gees, why did I do that’ incidents from our past long before the days of internet and cell phones. Maggie had us crying with laughter as she described writing a wine fueled letter to her ex-boyfriend at 3 a.m. sparing no mercy about his lack of sexual prowess , and then walking across campus in her robe to mail it. The funniest part of the story was realizing on her way back to the dorm that she had addressed the envelope to the guy’s mother! She was back at the mailbox by 8 a.m. for the 9:15 a.m. pick-up and literally begged the mailman to let her retrieve the letter from the mail. She described herself as a hysterical 21 year old, kneeling in wet grass sorting through the big basket of mail, mailman telling her it was against the rules but she reminded him of his daughter so just this once...
Lois, who has of late ended a relationship, sobered us up with the comment that she “dreaded” the loneliness of being single during the holidays, and cautioned that one too many cocktails; a maudlin movie; or the playing of ‘our’ song could bring on equally impulsive moments of indiscretion. She wondered what tools were available to prevent middle-aged singles from "I don’t believe I did that" moments. The stories reminded us that it's not just overeating, overspending and over-drinking that are hazardous at this time of the year.
I’ve been thinking about this ever since the breakfast and circulated the question amongst friends of both sexes. One was kind enough to remind me of an article published earlier this year that advocated a 12-month rule for relationships, and from that came the 12-hour rule. It's a rule that can be applied to most social and family situations during the holidays. The temptation to tell your boss what you think of him during the office party eats at you after a couple of glasses of wine; saying what you think of your daughter-in-laws plunging neckline is on the tip of your tongue; and don't forget the urge to eat the whole pie as you and dog stand in the kitchen after a dateless night!
It boils down to letting the harsh light of day illuminate the events of the night before. You sit alone watching A White Christmas for the umpteenth time remembering the times you watched it with ‘him'. Finishing that bottle of wine was too easy. It’s also too easy to fire up the computer and send him either a ‘you done me wrong’ message or a groveling ‘can we try again’…neither of which you would dream of doing without the wine. Write the message by all means but don’t fill in an address…stash it in the draft box and re read in the morning…preferably after coffee, breakfast, a shower and a walk. The same goes for text messages and phone calls. If you feel the urge coming on to call just to hear his voice…stick the phone under a cushion! A male friend told me how after a very painful break-up in his fifties he spent an evening listening to the tapes they had assembled for car trips and liberally drinking the last of their favorite wines. He cringes now at the 20-minute rambling, semi-coherent message he left on her answering machine that she had the indiscretion (and meanness I might add) to play for mutual friends.
A woman who I regard highly and who strikes me as incredibly sophisticated and competent confessed to having been aware of growing interest in someone junior at her work place…they flirted at the office Christmas party…she invited him home for a nightcap...the inevitable happened. She put in her resignation Monday morning. “Look,” she said, “he was not under my supervision, he was only 8 years younger and we really did have a lot in common. We had a great friendship that could well have grown into more but I blew it by acting impulsively.” I asked her how she thought she should have handled the shift in interest level. “I should have told him how much I enjoyed the evening, and on Monday in the office, asked if he’d like to join me for coffee and take it from there.”
Pat who is 52 and into internet dating cautioned about letting wine take over from common sense and recalls spending a very long New Year’s eve writing to upwards of 50 men on a dating site…as she put it “I was free with my criticism of their profiles, their photos and their search for younger women”. She included her profile and a somewhat racy photo with each e-mail and is still regretting the incident. Ah, hindsight!
A non too scientific analysis of responses to my question make clear that alcohol is the biggest factor in prompting indiscretion and impulsive actions. Of the 17 responses I received not one person wrote of a late night call, e-mail or text that they didn’t regret. To make it through the holiday ambush of sentimental movies and music, loneliness and cocktails, without egg-nog on your face, I suggest that you set your clocks, hide the phone, shut down the computer and wait until you look in the mirror in the morning before doing anything about getting even - and, take until midday before you think about calling someone you’d like to get to know better. I know some people boast about being more honest when tipsy…lord help us all. It’s not the type of honesty that will get you through the emotional pitfalls of the holidays.
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